i am writing to you to confess some sins i have sinned against you. You don't know me and i don't know you, so it will probably be awkward if you ever read this, but we both know that the blogosphere is a strange strange place where people routinely spill their secrets across the world wide web of strangers. it's the hip new thing, like planking and feeling vaguely concerned about africa.
So anyway, i thought you should know that i am extremely jealous of you, especially since you rejected my submission for your guest post series. Here is what you said: "At 49 posts in 25 days, I had to draw the line somewhere". This made me feel as bad as i felt in ninth grade when only three people put me in their myspace top eight, because you literally just told me i wasn't in your top 49.
Maybe next time, you could send me an email that just says,
But i'm not angry. it's really not your fault that i have an extreme sensitivity to rejection. i think i have a chemical imbalance. i read about it in a book one time.
No, i'm not angry, but envious. terribly envious. i want what you have and i don't want you to have it. i am jealous of your ability to invent poetic compound hyphen-words to express exactly what you are feeling. i am jealous of your friends who like to cook with you. i am even jealous of your giant thesis paper because you will come out of your undergraduate career feeling like you accomplished something.
Clearly, i am insane. No one envies other people's homework.
Anyway, now that i've gotten that off my chest, i hope you will forgive me so we can get back to our normal non-relationship without any bad feelings between us. And i will try not to be jealous of you any more, because what you have isn't actually any better than what i have. You only wish you were the Spades champion of Lee University. You only wish you had a cool improv team to hang out with. You only wish you had something better to do than google your own name.
(don't worry. we all do it from time to time.)
And good luck with all your things. I will continue to read your beautiful blog, and you are welcome to continue reading my vindictive-sounding, fragmented one.
But i took you off my top eight.